It Actually Is Your Fault – 6 Tips

imagesThere’s a thinking trap that goes like this…you offend someone, then, when they let you know it, you apologize by saying, “Sorry, but I didn’t mean to offend.” This is a common reaction and it is 100% wrong and doesn’t qualify as an apology.

You can only apologize for your own wrong doing. You cannot apologize for someone else’s reaction to your behavior. Again, you can only apologize for your behavior. Anything else is not an apology.

Perception is reality. If someone you care about is offended, they are offended. If you caused it, you won’t help the matter by stating you didn’t mean to offend them, because that’s exactly what you did do.  Note: if you doubt this statement, fact check it with experience and let me know how that works out.

Yesterday was a very challenging day, in a challenging week, in what’s been a challenging year. Blah, blah, life’s not fair, grow up now.

My father came over for his usual Friday night dinner at our home, what should be a friendly, peaceful tradition and it went sour due to a couple of unfortunate minor events that occurred shortly after he arrived.  These events were minor, but they capped off a crappy day/week/month for me and I overreacted. My Dad is 87 1/2 years old and I truly cherish every ounce of his time that I still get to share and don’t want to spoil it. But I did spoil it last night and that’s a shame. However, it wasn’t a waste, because I’ve learned from it and now you are.

So here’s the takeaway in bullets, for the attention challenged, like myself –

  • Apologies admit the speaker’s fault – i.e. I’m sorry I was rude, not I’m sorry you misunderstood.
  • Apologies work best when timely – IMHO, it’s never too soon to apologize, so long as it is sincere.
  • Apologies never have a “but” – i.e. “I’m sorry, but I had a shitty day.” Nope, not an apology.
  • Method always overrides message – Successful relationships don’t come from avoiding communication of unpleasant topics. When said lovingly, perhaps quietly, with kindness and an eye on a mutual goal, you can say things that otherwise would crack a sidewalk without physical effort.
  • Timeouts can be effectively self induced – Timeouts work great for parents raising toddlers. They can also work for grownups, who sometimes need to choose this option over any alternative.
  • Assemble your troops – Seek a broad network so that you have someone who makes you laugh, one who lets you cry, a DD, a professional mentor, a hairdresser (man they know everything and are way under paid, most likely), and one who loves you enough and is courageous enough to tell you what you can’t see for yourself when you most need to see it.

Thank you to my network who keeps me sane and upright.

 

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About Melanie M. Morris
Broker of Trust and Authenticity I'm really a sales executive, but I'd rather identify with these ideals rather than to simply say...I'm a seller.

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